Humor

"Men and Women"

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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"Keep the Motor Running"

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again.

The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."

He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

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"Cowboys"

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tale tellings begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, using my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy stayed silent, ...slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

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"Damn that Sonofabitch can Drive"

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand-new sports car, so he called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. So I said sure, why not?"

He picked me up and we drove up to the mountains. After we had lunch, we started back down the mountain and his brakes went out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So there we were picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.

We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figured this is it!! I just know we're gonna die!! So I turne to him and said...
"Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!!"

"DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!"... (SPIT)