Saturday, May 31, 2008

Daddy's car



Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted!


Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

MEN NEVER LISTEN!!



In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts
to get into the men's restroom, but ithad always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. "Sir", she said " You may
use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on
the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by
letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he
touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's
restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm
air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this
stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile
scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies
restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. He
was immediately knocked out by an excruciating pain.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed.

"The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
testicles are now in this jar, sir."

Monday, May 26, 2008

NATURAL REMEDY FOR BLOCKED ARTERIES



AN ARTICLE APPEARED IN ONE OF INDIA 'S NEWS PAPER, THERE WAS SOMEONE WHO WAS TOLD THAT HIS 3 ARTERIES WERE BLOCKED BUT AFTER THE ANGIO-GRAM, IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT 2 ARTERIES HAD OPENED AND THE DOCTOR WAS ASTONISHED.

HE ASKED THE PERSON HOW THAT HAAPPENED. A THE MAN REPLIED,THAT HE WENT TO HOMEOPATH FOR HERBAL MEDICINE AND THAT WAS THE RESULT.

THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM TO CARRY ON WITH INDIAN MEDICINES.

THE SAME ARTICLE WAS FOUND BY MURTAZA BANDALI WHO HAS A BOOK-SHOP IN WATFORD, LONDON .

IT HAS HELPED MANY OF OUR BROTHERS AS A MAGIC AND SHOWS THE RESULT IN FEW DAYS TIME.

1 CUP GARLIC (GRIND)
1 CUP GINGER, GRIND.
1 CUP LIME JUICE, (NOT LEMON) , ''LIMBOO ''
1 CUP 'APPLE 'CIDER VINEGAR

MIX IT AND BOIL AT LOW HEAT, UNTIL 3 CUPS ARE LEFT.

THEN TAKE IT OUT FROM THE HEAT AND WAIT UNTIL IT GETS COLD.

WHEN IT IS COLD, ADD 3 CUPS OF HONEY,

MIX IT THOUROUGHLY, AND HAVE ONE TABLE SPOONFUL, FIRST THING IN THE MORNING BEFORE BREAKFAST.

AFTER FEW MINUTES, ENJOY YOUR BREAKFAST.

IT REALLY WORKS WONDER!!!

KEEP THE BOTTLE IN THE FRIDGE FOR NEXT DAY'S USE

As usual, consult your doctor first. What works for some might not work for you.


Wife Definitions... by some wonderful persons

DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.



Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.



Socrates
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.



Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.




Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?




Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.




Anonymous
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'




Sam Kinison
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'





James Holt McGavran
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'





Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.





Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...





Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.





Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.





Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.




Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'



Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Lessons in Logic



If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.


........................................................................


I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.


........................................................................



Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?


........................................................................



If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?


........................................................................



Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.


........................................................................



How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?


........................................................................



Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.


........................................................................



One should love animals.
They are so tasty.


........................................................................



Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.


........................................................................



Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.


........................................................................



The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.


........................................................................



Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.


........................................................................



Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.


........................................................................



"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep


........................................................................



There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning


........................................................................



"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk


........................................................................



"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours


........................................................................



God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.


........................................................................



The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.



........................................................................


A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

At my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say........

Antarctica Frozen Wave

Nature is amazing!

The water froze the instant the wave broke through the ice. That's what it is like in Antarctica where it is the coldest weather in decades. Water freezes the instant it comes in contact with the air.? The temperature of the water is already some degrees below freezing. Just look at how the wave froze in midair.






































































































































































































































Amazing Photos of Yellowknife in Canada

Northern Lights over Yellowknife


















































































































































































The Balance Sheet of Life




Our Birth is our Opening Balance !


Our Death is our Closing Balance!


Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities


Our Creative Ideas are our Assets


Heart is our Current Asset


Soul is our Fixed Asset


Brain is our Fixed Deposit


Thinking is our Current Account


Achievements are our Capital


Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade


Friends are our General Reserves


Values & Behavior are our Goodwill


Patience is our Interest Earned


Love is our Dividend


Children are our Bonus Issues


Education is Brands / Patents


Knowledge is our Investment


Experience is our Premium Account


The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.


The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.


Some very Good and Very bad things ...


The most destructive habit:- Worry


The greatest Joy:- Giving


The greatest loss:- Loss of self-respect


The most satisfying work:- Helping others


The ugliest personality trait:-Selfishness


The most endangered species:- Dedicated leaders


Our greatest natural resource:- Our youth


The greatest "shot in the arm":- Encouragement


The greatest problem to overcome:- Fear


The most effective sleeping pill:- Peace of mind


The most crippling failure disease:- Excuses


The most powerful force in life:- Love


The most dangerous person:- A gossiper


The world's most incredible computer:- The brain


The worst thing to be without:- Hope


The deadliest weapon:- The tongue


The two most power-filled words:- "I Can"


The greatest asset:- Faith


The most worthless emotion:- Self-pity


The most beautiful attire:- SMILE!


The most prized possession:- Integrity


The most powerful channel of communication:- Prayer


The most contagious spirit:- Enthusiasm


The most important thing in life: - GOD

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

What should I do to marry a rich guy?

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden, $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)


2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of beauty and money: Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a trading position. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or leased. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in leasing services, do contact me.

Signed,
Professional Investor.

Beauty of Math!




1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321


1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10 = 1111111111


9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn't it?


And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321



Now, take a look at this...


101%



From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:



What Equals 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to

GIVE OVER 100%.

How about ACHIEVING 101%?


What equals 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help

answer these questions:


If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


If:


H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And:

K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But:

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%



THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:



L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%


Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Cool art that will mess with your head.

11 SHIPS OR 3 SHIPS & 8 ARCHES?













DO YOU SEE FACES OR ALL HOUSES?























How many horses in this picture? Should find 7

























PEOPLE OR FACES?



















What is it?














A PICTURE PUZZLE!












HOW MANY PEOPLE?























SEE MORE THEN ONE DEER?


















Look at the middle column.
Where does it end?
























DO YOU SEE FOUR PEOPLE?

























Who is the tallest?

















A face? Or, the word 'liar'?



















NEXT: What do you see here?
Do you see the word 'LIFT'?
Or, a bunch of black splotches?











NEXT - FIND THE FACES:





















TRY THIS ONE:

























Is This Possible??













Are the purple lines straight or bent?












Do you see gray areas in between the squares?
Now where did they come from?


















If you take a look at the following picture , let me tell you ... it is not animated. Your eyes are making it move. To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving. Or loo k at the black center of each circle and it will stop moving. But move your eyes to the next black center and the previous will move after you take your eyes away from it.... Weird






















Stretch your brain

This is not a test - just a phenomenon. All readings are explained.

1) Read out loud the text inside the triangle below.




















More than likely you said, 'A bird in the bush,'! and. ....... if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see that the word THE is repeated twice! Sorry, look again.

2) Next, let's play with some words.
What do you see?












In black you can read the word GOOD, in white the word EVIL
(inside each black letter is a white letter). It's all very physiological too, because it visualize the concept that good can't exist without evil (or the absence of good is evil). Now, what do you see?

3)








You may not
see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape reads the word illusion. Look again! Can you see why this painting is called an optical illusion?

4) This one is quite tricky!
The word TEACH reflects as
LEARN.







5) Now what do you see?



















You probably read the word ME in brown, but.......
when you look through ME you will see YOU!

6) ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every '
F ' in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE
6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down..


The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process 'OF'.

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 'F's' on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

7) More Brain Stuff . .. From Cambridge University .

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on !!