Confession

Almost did it:

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to
see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'



Lemon Squeeze:

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate
love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'




Catholic Dog:

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the
poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?



Donation:

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'



Confession:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this then?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!'